Hey y’all! I know it’s been a while, but I am back on the blog! Finding balance in my life between work, friends, general adulting, dating, and self care has taken some time for me to figure out, but for a while now I think I’ve been doing pretty well.
I asked on my Instagram story for suggestions for blog posts, and I thought self-worth and dating is a topic that is always relevant and something that almost everyone can relate to. This post is not going to be a beautifully written masterpiece, but more so a collection of my thoughts and being straight up.
Let’s be real now--dating is hard. It doesn’t matter who you are or what previous experiences you have had. Everyone encounters their own struggles when it comes to finding someone they want to share their lives with, either for the rest of their lives or just for the time being. Assuming that we’re all going to have some sort of dating experience, we will at some point all have to face rejection, heartbreak, and unfortunately straight up shitty people throughout our single lives.
I know so many people, including myself, who have encountered rejection and immediately directed it inwards wondering what was wrong with them, what made the tides change, what they could’ve done to prevent this from happening… why they weren’t good enough.
I’ve noticed this pattern is especially common amongst women, although I am by no means claiming that this is exclusively a female experience. Generally in our society, women are supposed to be people-pleasers, leading to the conclusion that if someone doesn’t like a woman, there must be something wrong with her. Regardless of gender or sexuality though, we take rejection so personally, as though it’s a reflection of our worth to society and our value as human beings--all because a handful of people didn’t want to be our romantic partner.
Something that has taken me numerous experiences and an incredible support system reminding me time and time again is that if you know that you didn’t do anything wrong and you got rejected, it probably has nothing to do with you. Well, let me clarify.
If you find yourself in this situation and you truly showed your genuine self, it just wasn’t meant to be. The cause of rejection may be due to a multitude of things. Maybe the other person isn’t in the right mindset to share their life with another person. Maybe they have a lot on their plate, and they know that it wouldn’t be fair to anyone if they kept you around. Or maybe, there just wasn’t that connection--that spark that we all long for when meeting the right person.
A major part of what determines whether dating someone is successful is timing, and all it takes for it to not work is for one aspect of one person’s life to be off. You can find your “soulmate” (if those even exist), and it won’t work out regardless of what either of you do. What makes it especially difficult is when external factors affect the other person’s ability to be a good partner. It’s not like he or she has any malintent—they just don’t have the capacity—and a lot of the time this makes us want to stick around even more because the other person isn’t an asshole. However, someone doesn’t have to be an asshole to be irresponsible and hurtful. It doesn’t matter what the reason is, but if someone can’t fulfill your needs, you don’t deserve to feel dissatisfied in the situation.
I get it. It’s hard to let go of someone you truly care about, maybe are in love with, but sticking around and hoping one day you’ll change his or her mind is neither realistic nor fair to anybody. You deserve someone who knows they want you in their life, and is willing to put in the effort to make it work. Considering that there are so many factors as to if a relationship, situationship, whatever you want to call it, is successful, the likelihood that it’s actually about you or something you said or did is low. I think we all need that reminder that not only are we deserving of something fulfilling, but we shouldn’t settle for anything less.
I hate to break it to you, but if you’re having a difficult time getting over someone, you’re likely holding onto a fantasy, not reality. Looking back at all the amazing moments you shared and imagining what kind of relationship you would be sharing together… that isn’t an accurate representation of what really happened. Who knows if this hypothetical situation would’ve even happened like that considering all the constantly changing factors? You will NEVER know how something would have turned out, so thinking about it and wishing that something would’ve happened isn’t beneficial to you.
Think about this situation like picking out a fruit to eat. If the fruit isn’t ripe enough, are you going to try to convince the fruit to get ripe? Force it down your throat and convince yourself it’s ripe? Most importantly, are you going to wonder what’s wrong with you because the fruit isn’t ready? Absolutely not, that’s ridiculous. You put that damn fruit back in the fridge until it’s ready, but in the meantime find one that is. If the situation isn’t right, don’t put a comma where there’s a period, i.e. don’t try to force something that isn’t meant to be.
You can’t change what other people do, so make sure you’re taking the time to think clearly, prioritize yourself, and trust your gut. Have faith in your journey and in yourself that whatever comes your way, you will be ok. We are all multifaceted, complex individuals, and while each person you meet is unique, there are thousands of people out there who you can have a healthy lasting relationship with.
Especially while dating, remember to be kind to yourself. Allow yourself the time and space to feel whatever you need to, and remember that it’s ok if how you feel doesn’t always make logical sense. Emotions don’t always make sense, but don’t wallow in it or beat yourself up over it. You have the right to feel.
Thank you for reading, and I hope this resonated to some degree. Practice gratitude, love others, and love yourself.